Rodneyinboots
by Fenchurch1
Summary: Rodney is a bossy cat, left to John. This is McShep, but it's also a fairy story - loosely based on Puss-in-boots. It's very silly!


**Title: **Rodney-in-boots

**Author: **Fenchurch

**Pairing: **McShep, but also blink and you'll miss Radek/Carson and Teyla/Ronon.

**Warnings:** This is a fairy story! Expect silliness and a plot that's just… silly! Also, expect British punctuation as my Goddess is getting fed up with having to 'correct' it all for me!

**Betas:** Goddess47 (who thinks I'm sad) and Rieval (to whose neighbours I apologise profusely)

**Rodney-in-Boots**

John threw his single rose into his father's grave and looked up at his brothers. Sumner had the mill; Everett had the bakery and John?

"What are you going to do with the cat then John?" Everett sniggered.

"You could sell it to the butcher! I'm sure he'll give you some money for it!"

John leaned down and picked the cat up. They had only had him for a year, but he'd always liked the bad tempered cat and had always been the only one Meredith tolerated. Even now, Meredith's claws were out and he was hissing at John's brothers, while John stroked his head.

"Come on Mer." John picked up the bundle of clothes and the small amount of money he had, and turned away from the village he had always called home. There was nothing there for him anymore and he could happily live without his brothers who now owned the family businesses.

"Ok, well first we're going to stop that 'Meredith' crap." The cat snorted at him and John dropped him.

"And we're never going to just drop me like that again!" The cat continued.

"Mer?" John crouched down to talk to the cat, who was suddenly walking on two legs… oh yeah… and _talking_!

"Not 'Meredith' – my name's Rodney!"

"Rodney?"

"Yes. Dr Rodney McKay and I have two PhDs." The cat shrugged proudly. "You may call me Rodney."

"You're talking!"

"Oh no no no no no! You don't do that 'I'm not very bright' crap with me! I've studied Math with you! You're nowhere near my level, of course, but I know you know more than you let on to anyone else."

"Yeah…. But…"

"Right, first, how much money do we have?"

"Money?"

"Yes… you know? Little bronze coins? Bigger gold one?"

"Not much."

"Well, we're going into town and you can get me a pair of boots. Then I'll help you get rich."

"Get rich? Me?"

"Yes! Now come on… boots! I may be a cat, but do you have any idea how horrible it is to walk on these stony paths in bare paws?"

It took some time to find someone who was prepared to sell them a pair of boots and some clothes that a) would fit Rodney and b) Rodney was prepared to wear, but he let John do all the talking, which made John look like the mad one, while Rodney sat back and washed himself in places that boys can only dream of reaching.

"Right, this is the plan." Rodney informed John when they were several planets away and probably untraceable. "Get undressed and go for a swim."

John just stared at the cat.

"Go on!" Rodney commanded, wishing he could click his fingers.

"Rawdney"

"My name is 'Rodney' and if you don't get on with the swimming in the lake thing, I'll run away and you'll have to fend for yourself."

"Okay, okay!" John sighed and stripped. If only he had been an only child, then he could have had the mill…

Once John was splashing happily and doing his best to soak the angry cat, Rodney called a halt to festivities.

"Now listen to me. Are you listening?"

"Yes Rodney."

"Good. What ever happens, just play along, okay? I know what I'm doing. I have the smartest brain in this Galaxy and could probably out-think the cleverest brains in several others too. Just remember, you are Lord John of Atlantis!"

"I'm who?"

"You heard me! Now _swim_!"

The cat gathered up John's poor person's clothes and hid them under a bush. When he heard the _kawhoosh _of the gate, he grinned as only a cat can, and waited happily.

A grand coach appeared with a coat of arms on the side and guards and flunkies surrounding it. Inside there was the beautiful princess Teyla of Athos and her uncle King Halling.

"Help! Help!" Rodney came running to the coach and waved his front paws. He was actually rather good at acting.

"You're a cat." Teyla said, surprised.

"Well, duh!" Rodney replied. "Where was I? Oh yes! Help! Help! My master's clothes have been stolen by bandits!"

"What?" Teyla asked.

"I said, 'Help, help, my master's clothes have been stolen by bandits'… oh come on! It's not rocket science!"

"Oh. Who is your master?"

"Lord John of Atlantis. That's his city you can see in the middle of the lake. There's this really cool ship thingy that can get you to the castle and… Look, would you mind just helping him out and giving him something to wear?"

"Of course!" The King agreed. "Ronon?"

"Sir?" The guard moved forward.

"Get some clothes out for that man over there. Use mine. He's a Lord you know."

"Right, yes sir."

"Cool." Said the cat, observing that the princess and the guard looked rather fond of each other. "Look, I'll just go on ahead to the castle, okay? You'll come for tea won't you?"

"Yes. Tea sounds good… except when Teyla makes it." King Halling agreed.

Rodney went back to the edge of the lake and called out.

"Master! King Holling will help you with the clothes thing. I'm going to go back to Atlantis, you know your _home_." At which point the cat winked very clearly. "And get the servants to get some tea for your guests. Oh and don't worry about the _temporary memory loss_ I'm sure the doctor will be able to help you."

"Um… Okay…" John agreed and wondered what the hell he was doing listening to a very talkative cat.

Rodney ran on. Well, he kind of ran. He didn't have to be too early. On the way he spotted a whole village of people out in the fields gathering the ripe harvest.

"Hey! You villagers!"

It was sufficiently weird for a cat to shout out at them (especially one who was wearing boots), that they soon gathered around and listened while Rodney told them that if anyone were to ask, the planet was ruled by Lord John of Atlantis.

"But it's not." Said one particularly dim peasant.

"No." Agreed another. "We're ruled by this really nasty ogre called Kolya."

"Yes, I am aware of that." Rodney told them scathingly. "But I'm off to defeat him, so you will be ruled by John… who's really nice, has really cool hair and actually is quite intelligent for a human."

"Okay." They agreed.

Half an hour later, the king's carriage arrived and he was really impressed with the huge expanse of fields and the really happy villagers.

"Who owns all of this?" The king asked the head villager.

"Oh, well, um… Lord John of Atlantis."

"Really?" Teyla asked, looking at John interestedly (who scrubbed up really well).

"Yeah… well, you know." John shrugged.

"Your people must love you very much."

"Hm." John answered non-committally.

Nearer to the Gateship, Rodney came across a village of fishermen.

"Hey!" He called them to him and began the routine again.

By the time the king and his party arrived, the villagers had started to celebrate their liberation and were quite happy to tell the king that they worked for Lord John, who was much handsomer and had much better hair than Kolya.

Meanwhile, the cat was taken across the lake to the castle by a gateship pilot who wasn't keen to stick around, but who agreed to carry the king and his party over later, as long as the cat could defeat the ogre.

In the castle the cat didn't have to wait long before Kolya appeared.

Kolya was really ugly, with dark skin and a pocked face, and it was clear that he didn't like cats much.

"What the hell are you doing in my castle?"

"Look, we got off to a bad start last time I was here." Rodney started. "Now, which console was it?"

The cat leaped away from the ogre who was trying to catch him. Cats are particularly good at evading capture – just ask anyone who's ever tried to get one into a basket to go to the vet!

Anyway, the cat made it up to the central controls and pressed a few buttons. A long coil of light flew out of the machine, along with a large number of rather impressive sparks, and wrapped up the ogre, pulling him off the floor and trapping him in mid-air.

Rodney hurriedly pressed more buttons and tapped away at a laptop, until the whole of the ogre's body was covered in coils of light. He was twisted around and turned about until his size and shape was changed.

Rodney was ready. As soon as the coils released Kolya back onto the floor, in the shape of a very small mouse, Rodney pounced and gobbled him up.

"Yuck" Rodney complained, coughing. "I'm sooo glad he hadn't been eating citrus!"

Rodney then leaped up to the console again and this time activated the microphones.

"Hey! Radek? Carson? It's okay! You can come out now!"

It wasn't long before his two friends were in the control room.

"Och Rodney!" Carson sighed. "You're still a cat!"

"Yes, thank you for that brilliant observation!" Rodney huffed.

"Where have you been?" Radek asked. Rodney looked closely at his friends who had been kept as captives all this time. They both looked rather ill and had lost a lot of weight.

"He took me to a mill and I got given as a pet to this old miller. Luckily the youngest kid was okay and he's coming back here. I think he has the gene naturally, even stronger than yours, Carson. Nearly as strong as mine in fact!"

"We've been here for a whole year on our own!" Carson complained, reaching for Radek's hand.

"Oh what? Hey, I've been a cat all that time! I couldn't do much… Look, just see what you think of John. He's cool! He's coming with Holling and Teyla. We need to get a dinner ready, and you will need to pretend to help him with his supposed memory loss, Carson. Just remember, he's our lord okay?"

"Okay Rodney." Radek shrugged. "I hope they like dumplings."

The siren fired up loudly when the gateship arrived, carrying the king, the princess and the increasingly confused John, although he really liked the ship and asked the driver if he could learn to fly it.

Rodney was waiting for them in the control room and he bowed low to John.

"Welcome home, Lord John!"

"You live here?" Holling asked, but it was obvious to all that John belonged here.

All around them lights came on, decorations twinkled and the city hummed in satisfaction that her golden boy had finally arrived.

"I guess I do." John agreed, smiling as he felt the message of welcome.

"Atlantis! She's such a floozy!" Rodney groaned.

The meal was one of Radek's better creations and there was plenty to go round. Carson and Rodney had taken John to the infirmary where they pretended to help him with his memory loss, but really filled him in on his new status and wealth. Carson was astonished to see how well John could handle Rodney and Rodney kicked off his boots and perched on John's shoulder, purring when John stroked the cat's head.

After dinner and coffee, the king became serious.

"You are just the sort of young man I have been looking for to marry my niece and become king of Athos after me."

"Excuse me?" John almost choked on his coffee.

"Yes. You are rich and have a title. That's enough for me."

"And anyway." Teyla added. "You do not have to love me for I am in love with Ronon. We just need a man who will marry me and help me."

"Oh!" John's eyes shot up. "Oh! Oh okay! I'm not really into girls at all."

"Perfect." Holling smiled. "You can marry Teyla…"

"Who can do all the ruling in Athos while I stay here." John interrupted.

"And she can be there with her so-called 'body-guard' while you have a nice love life here."

"And you can work the controls for me so I can become human again." Rodney added.

"Er… what?"

"Didn't I tell you? There's a machine here that can turn people into other shapes. I got turned into a cat, but I'm really a very smart human."

John helped Rodney to change back into a human and they fell in love.

Teyla became Queen of Athos when Holling decided that it was time for him to retire and she ruled with her faithful body-guard by her side. When she became pregnant, everyone thought that the boy was John's, even though he wasn't.

John and Rodney played games, explored the city, annoyed the hell out of Radek and Carson and were very nice to the people of the planet who liked John much better than Kolya.

If sometimes Rodney washed himself with his tongue and was to be seen lying on John's lap, purring, no one really cared and everyone lived happily ever after.

The end!


End file.
